I’ve been working.
Not at a job or a hobby but working, really working on my marriage.
There are times when I feel so good; I really feel and believe that I’m finally getting it, finally doing things right.
Then there are those nights where I still cry before I fall asleep – where I still feel hopeless and alone.
How can you feel alone in a marriage? How can you feel empty when there’s always a person next to you in bed? Or who comes home to you every evening?
It seemed impossible, but it’s true.
Marriage can be a lonely place sometimes – and it’s in those times when my little inner monster of doubt, anger, fear and pride creeps up and whispers all sorts of nasty things into my heart.
Telling me I’m not good enough, or holy enough or loving enough – that I will never be happy and it’s all my fault, OR it’s all his fault, but he doesn’t care about you enough to fix it.
I hear my little monster’s voice so clearly, I recognize it, I fight against it, but slowly I start to nod my head in agreement and I keep getting sucked down into that dark pit of despair.
Perhaps if I worked as hard to pay attentions to the inner voice of the Holy Spirit in me; maybe the little monsters voice wouldn’t be so loud, or at least, it’d be easier to ignore.
Every day its a fight – not always with my husband. We can have good days where everything seems fine, and if truth be told, we enjoy each other’s company much more when we stick our heads in the proverbial sand and ignore our issues.
We can have a good time, laugh be friends – but like a splinter in my mind there’s always the pain of things not being “right.” that overshadows all the good times.
You know, the sad part is, while I know it ‘takes two to tango’ and that our issues are from faults on both sides equally – I find myself being prideful over the fact that at least I know what my “problems” are.
How crazy is that? Being proud I can identify my own shortcomings? Like that makes me automatically more humble and willing to change?
Or is it indefinitely worse because I know, yet do nothing?
My little monster tells me it’s his problems. That HE’s the one who needs help, that I would be such a better wife if I wasn’t married to a person who has SUCH problems!
But it is NOT up to me to change him, only GOD can change my husband, and in that way, all I can really do for him is PRAY.
Everything else – like respect, kindness, understanding, submission those are about ME. I need to be able to do those things regardless of whether or not I feel my husband has “Issues.”
Because I am a child of God I respect regardless, am kind regardless, understand regardless. It is not up to me to hold the bar high and say “I will only treat you with respect, love, submission and understanding IF you keep up your end of the deal.”
Christ taught to love the unlovable, to forgive 70×7 and to turn the other cheek.
My husband does not need to live up to MY expectations.
He needs to live up to God’s – and that is a decision between him and God. As his wife, I am there to support and encourage, to pray and love him.
I need to let go of this feeling that my husband needs to change before our marriage can heal. I need to let go of the controlling way I manipulate through guilt and shame to get him to do what I want and I need to let go of trying to change him to meet my standards.
I need to start living up to what God wants me to do.
How Christ taught me to live.
And what God expects from me, His Child.
My husband is a blessing and a good man. He blesses me and our child daily – when will I learn to be content and to count my blessings?
I can be so frail and weak – my monsters so easily drowns out the Holy Spirit who keeps crying out for me to listen and learn.
Dear Lord, help your servant, your child to listen to your voice.
“Speak Lord, your servant is listening.”